april 15 2003
the hockey game is blaring on the tiny set that still has reception upstairs (we cancelled satellite, but old habits die hard) and i hear little feet running like mice across the floor above my head. Travis says it is time to go to bed, but i can't really sigh and nestle down until all my babes are asleep and quiet reigns.
found a beautiful website (www.joyfulnoise.com?) with Jewish music - appropriate since Passover begins tomorrow night. We're going to try to observe it but i'm finding i'm not as well prepared as i'd like. I feel rushed all the time lately - maybe its' just the adjustment of having four little ones' needs to attend to (and one big one's needs) (well, okay, two big ones' needs) but i'm finding that "margin" hard to come by lately.
on the up side, just came back from a homeschooling convention with new books (we started a study of Ancient Rome on Monday) and renewed spirits from my "girls only" adventure - both of my sisters (with their little babies) and my mom came and we shared a hotel room and meals and in general just enjoyed each other. Paige's little boy, Charter, is really edging out of babyhood at 10 mo - he eats voraciously and is a passionate explorer as well as a big bruiser! Jessies' little girl, Elisabeth Wren, was the perfect contrast - a tiny little 3 week old elf dressed in pink and sleeping half the time, still curled as though she were in her mother's womb. Jessie carried her in a sling and each time she pulled aside the edge of the sling to show off her baby, it felt such an intrusion, as though she were granting access to her unborn child. Still, in the middle of the night when we both were up with her and Jessie left Ellie with me on the floor to hold and rock, i was so grateful to have the chance again to see the beauty that comes fresh from God. My little Luther was in between the others in age - 8 mo and bemused by his big cousin and entranced by his smaller one. These fourth borns all seem like they grasp their place in the world so quickly, comforted to be near and snuggle in close to their own mother's scent or perfume. I feel sometimes like this is how God has us - blindly sniffing for that warmth, that scent that can only come from the place of abiding in Him. I long for the day when i will "see Him as He is" and be able to run to Him instead of my clumsy, primitive clutching at folds of His robe.